You Don't Always Have to be Perfect

You don't always have to be perfect.

I repeat: you don't always have to be perfect. 

You have no idea how badly I want to believe in those seven words.  I want to believe in them so so badly.  I want to click my red slipper heels together and say those words over and over again until I sense that they are real. 

I want to be perfect.  I want to be a perfect friend.  I want to be a perfect daughter, granddaughter, niece.  I want to be a perfect co-worker.  A perfect roommate.  A perfect student.  I want to be a perfect listener and a perfect shoulder to cry on.  I want to be a perfect wife and a perfect mother someday.  Really I just want to be a perfect human: the one who does all the right moves, says all the rights things, and always knows the answer. 

But here is the thing: I can't be. 

That is some of the most difficult truth I have had to come to terms with and accept since I turned the ripe old age of 25.  I mean seriously, I have lived 25 years of my life striving to be and thinking I could be perfect, and then suddenly, one fall day, like a ton of bricks it hit me that I just cannot be perfect.  

We spend so much of our lives trying to please others - trying to be perfect for others.  We all want to be the perfect child our parents envisioned, and the perfect student who aced school, the perfect employee or co-worker who everyone can depend on for everything.  It is exhausting.  It is exhausting always trying to be that perfect someone for someone else, rather than trying to be perfect for yourself. 

Now, perfect for yourself is not perfect.  Whoever told you that "you are perfect just the way you are" was lying to you - you are not perfect.  And you do not need to be.  And that is o-k-a-y. 

Perfect to me meant always being able to do something myself.  It meant I didn't have to ask for help.  It meant that I could bury myself beneath 100+ files at work and get them all done by myself and on time.  Perfect to me meant that I could "overbook" myself on any given day and still manage to come out with some free time.  Perfect to me meant looking the part, talking the part, and of course acting the part. 

I want to be able to help everyone, to save everyone, and to put the world on my back and tell others to get the hell outta my way. 

"I don't need any help," I would think to myself.  But the truth is, I do need the help.  I need so much help, but I just don't know how to ask for it.  Maybe I am too fixed on trying to be that perfect someone for someone else, and asking for even an intimation of help would mean I am not actually perfect.  For so long (just about 25 years to be exact), this felt like defeat to me: if I asked for help it meant I would lose and I wouldn't be perfect because I didn't do it all myself. 

I have spend the last several months trying to be perfect for a certain person.  The ironic thing about this is that I lost myself a bit throughout this process, but I strangely also found myself through it all, too. 

I could have continued trying to be perfect for that certain someone for a lifetime.  I really could have held on for one thousand more years.  But instead, I had to choose (ok, maybe more like force myself) to let go and give myself permission to just be okay with never being perfect for them.  And this is where I learned my most important lesson: just because I can hold on to trying to be perfect for someone else does not mean that I should.  Yeah, good luck convincing yourself of that on the first one hundred tries. 

Here is the thing: we need to stop holding ourselves back from things because we are too focused on striving for perfection.  We need to stop convincing ourselves that we need to be perfect in order to be all the things we want to be in life or accomplish all the goals we set for ourselves.  

Perfection is not the answer; happiness is.

You don't always have to be perfect. 

Reciting those words makes me feel hostile and defensive right away.  But they are true.  They always have been and always will be true. 

So my pity party is over.  I am not the protagonist in some sob story - I am human.  I make mistakes.  I lose (let's not forget that I also win, too!).  I fall down and I let people down.  I let go of people only to realize right away that I actually need them.  I don't have all the answers.  And I know how to mess up. 

I am done always trying to be perfect for someone else.  It is not who I am.  I am the girl ripping shots of Jack Daniels with the guys.  The girl running on two hours of sleep before a final because there just is NO TIME FOR SLEEP WHEN THERE IS SO MUCH LEARNING TO BE DONE.  The girl who stays late at work not necessarily because she needs to, but because she wants to.  The girl who can't really bake because that extra minute in the oven always turns out to be fatal.  The girl who doesn't like to be touched or cuddled.  The competitive one.  The girl who argues for the things that are important and meaningful to her.  The girl who simply cannot stand being late for anything.  The girl who yells when she is mad and upset, and then always regrets it later.  The girl who occasionally cancels plans for no good reason.  The girl who spends her Sundays sporting any amount of Ravens gear and never misses THE BIG GAME.  The one who stays extra time "just to get things organized."  And when I accept all of these things, that is when I am perfect for myself.  Screw trying to be perfect for you, or anyone else. 

You don't always have to be perfect. 

Hey, I think I got it now - I don't always have to be perfect.  Instead, I think I will focus on proving that I am worthwhile.